at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
