remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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