Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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