JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
he's gonorrhea incarnate
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
