Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
