Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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