This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
