I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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