Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Someone shattered a urinal.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
