I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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