I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
