I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We need to get me chipped asap
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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