In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
