not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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