today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize