So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
