Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
