I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
