I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
