I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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