Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
