I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
