Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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