dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
