So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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