Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
