i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just found puke in my bra..
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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