I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
