ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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