I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
