you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
