I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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