I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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