Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
im six kinds of drunk right now
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
