if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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