i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
