I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
