my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
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