Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
