I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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