You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
