I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
