What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
