The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
