What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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