im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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