uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you had me at cake vodka
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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