I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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