he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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