Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Drunk is a universal language darling
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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