Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
