my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
