i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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