just tell him i said nine months
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
