I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
