this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
