If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
