i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize